Captain Blue Balls
by Mommy Silver
Summary: Heero and Relena are about to do some activities not meant for kiddies and someone interrupts them... Thanks to Marjanneke from !


Just when you're about to do some "athletic activities in bed that kids shouldn't know about", your cell phone disturbs you.

'Ignore the thing.' Heero's further attempt to speak were abruptly ended by Relena, who claimed his mouth for her own victory. It was one of the few times she actually took initiative in bed, and claimed him for herself before the cell phone could do the same. Impossible, as Heero's brain called this action, he decided to enjoy her sudden self confidence, and give his lady full attention.

Just when she sought her way down over his well shaped pecs and abs, admiring with feather light kisses, the darn bitch of a phone rang again. The sound became more and more increasing as the phone rang. As if the utility tool was trying to break his attention and ruin this night – there weren't many nights like this considering Relena's work.

As vice minister of foreign affairs, she hadn't had much time to spend with her beloved husband, let alone spend a day with him.

'Are you going to answer that, or not?' Somewhere above his love trail she had stopped, and judging by her tone of voice, she was far from happy. An arm moved from under the sheets; his hand slammed, with the precision of a tiger on the prowl, on the ringing cell phone on the night stand.

'Yuy.' The name and word left his mouth with a stern tone of voice as he answered. Vibrations from his voice resonated in his chest and made Relena shiver in delight. His voice had became heavier in time, not as light as an adolescent, but a young man in the prime of his life. Delighted, she lay her head on his shoulder, enjoying his brute tone of voice.

_'Ah, Heero, good to hear from you, man! Say… I'm here at the station, and I feel a little lost…'_

'Get lost.' Was the first thing Heero said before he ended, more brute than the cell phone had rang, the connection. With a bang the cell phone landed on the night stand and his arm snaked back underneath the sheets.

Agitated, Relena knew his attitude well, was actually the way she preferred him. Or better, the way he took her. Almost brute, so she was exhausted the next day at the meeting of ministers and had trouble walking. Thus she could fall asleep, instead of hearing boring conversations without meaning.

Again the cell phone went unannounced. First vibrating, and than ringing, it approached, disturbing his already agitated attitude and above all, destroying his lust. As if Zechs Marquise had just fired a volley with his Epyon, and Heero couldn't do a thing to stop him.

Relena smirked foul at him, 'shall I drown the thing in a glass of water? Or shall I give you the pleasure of destroying it whilst shooting clay doves?'

'More likely to answer and trace the caller, thus destroying him.'

'Ah… great plan. I shall make sure the entire police force and army turns a blind eye.'

'And give me the best of weaponry.'

'Too…'

'And the freedom to torture this person before ending his life.'

'Perhaps… if you finish what you've started…'

'Yuy.' Relena did her utmost best to listen, and in this case it was terrible to be underneath. She couldn't feel the vibrations of his voice no longer resonating within his chest, only lusting at the sight his body offered. And concerning his almost divine shaped body, she scratched his chest and abs slightly; tomorrow he would admire those in the mirror. Scratches only she could make. Here and there he suffered from the scars of war, bore with more pride, as a sort of medals of honour for his work as a soldier. Relena kissed those tenderly, and felt a shiver run over his skin.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

_'Help me! I'm lost! Help me! __I never get out of this again!'_

'…'

_'Heero?'_

'Where are you?'

_'If I knew, I'd tell you. Can't you start the laptop and trace my call?'_

'No.'

_'But…'_

'Where are you?'

_'Well…here.'_

'WHERE are you?'

_'Well… not there where I want to be.'_

'Where. Are. You?'

_'In the subway.'_

'What subway?'

_'Tokyo…'_

'What are you doing in Tokyo?'

_'Paying you a visit?'_

'And why am I the last one to know?'

_'Surprise?'_

'So you want to surprise me and manage to screw it up big time by getting of the road and get lost?'

_'Well… technically there's no road here. Only railway.' _

'Fine. Besides the fact you're a big idiot, what station?' Heero could almost guess the answer.

_'Swirl swirl curl tail swirl.'_

The answer Heero gave sounded much like a face-palm. '…'

*CLICK* - *TUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT*

**xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Duo stared at his phone, as if he could break into tears any moment now.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

'Was that Duo?'

'Yes.'

'What's the matter with him?'

'Geographically embarrassed.'

'Aren't you supposed to help him?'

'No.'

'But he's all alone and he doesn't know where he is and how to get here and…'

_Women._ Heero was smart enough not speak the thought out loud.

'I know what you think. Women.'

_Shit… they can read minds too. _

'No, body language and attitude. I believe it's smart to treat our future guest politely. And you know how he is.'

_And I know how you are._

'He gets lost and gets into trouble and since he doesn't speak the language, he'll only get deeper and deeper into trouble.'

_Woman… stop. You ruin my lust for sex._

'And the last time he got so deep in trouble, you had to come over and save him. That gave me trouble. Have you got any idea how long it took to ease up the situation and take responsibility for all the actions you took?'

_No. I don't know, and because of hormonal reasons, I don't care either._

'So if you want me to take it easy, you don't do this to him and me.'

_Why are you doing this to me? Please… my little john… my balls… my lust for sex!_

'Heero?'

_Is currently not available. Leave a message after the beep. Is currently busy to prevent the condition named Blue Balls. After that I'll handle the situation named Duo. _

'Heero!'

_Shit! _'Hn?'

'Go. Help. Duo.'

_She really wants it…_'But?'

'NOW!'

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

_A little while later…_

'thank you for saving me! I'm so happy to see you! I've felt so alone and small and afraid and…'

Heero remained unmovable, stared directly at the "zero two" pilot and wished he had brought his weaponry. Duo clung to his neck like a puppy, embracing him and acting really dramatic concerning his status as "lost puppy".

Uncomfortable Duo stared back. As if the former "zero one" pilot could attack him any moment now, like a dragon without compassion or understanding for his poor pathetic little prey.

'Err… thank you for saving me?' tried the former "zero two" pilot like a little boy.

To no avail.

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

The end.

(side note) I seriously disapprove the new formatting options from ...


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